Forget birdwatching – welcome to commentwatching

6 Mar
2007

I’m an avid commentator. I don’t really subscribe to a blog unless I comment on it.

There are many kinds of commentators. Some are found everywhere. Others are rare. I have observed them for years, and have summarized my learnings below:

Narcissistic bastard – Bastard is just the beginning. This person doesn’t care what you posted about. The only point was to vaguely connect their website to the subject matter of the original post. Usually talks a lot, and spews out marketing rhetoric, tries to impress with some big numbers, and then suggest you ‘check us out at xxxxxxxxxxxxx.’ The worst offender I have seen is Mr. Kevin L of MerchantCircle. I was tracking about a dozen different posts when InsiderPages was acquired, read about another 20, and almost every single one had a comment by Kevin L. You can see his work here, here, here, here, and so forth. It consisted of him saying how no one cares about the business-owners (marketing rhetoric), mentions 90k merchants ‘signed up’ (trying to impress us with big numbers), then suggests you check out their site. You can read my linked post about some truth behind their numbers.

Scrambled brains – marked by lots and lots of text. Hitting ‘Enter’ twice to create paragraphs is the equivalent of kryptonite to such a commentator. Often comments about stuff that has nothing to do with the original post. ‘In my opinion …’ is a favorite phrase.

Link Whore – consists of few words + link to their site. The super-strain (just like a virus) goes for glory, usually throwing in two to four links. Commonly found at TechCrunch.

Trackback Machine – never actually bothers to comment. Uses the trackback like a shotgun. Gibberish is the most comfortable writing style for such a person.

The Blog Owner who replies by editing a comment – Extremely rare, I have seen one blogger that does this in the wild. Observe this post where both of my comments were edited with an ‘—-Answer—-‘. I can only guess that the blog poster was as annoyed as I was by TypePad’s retarded captcha.

The Cheerleader – 99% of comments involve ‘great post’ or a synonymous statement. Common variants are ‘nice work’, ‘well written’, ‘thoughtful post’. The exclamation mark is this person’s best friend. The more, the merrier.

The Troll – marked by jealousy, posts anything contrarian to the original blogger. Revels in pointing out mistakes. Cries and dies a little bit inside when his contrarian viewpoint turns out to be wrong.

The Blowhard Fanatic – Posts a comment no matter what. Desperate plea for attention. The post could consist of ‘I have nothing to say’ and still the fanatic would still comment. This type of person is usually a 2-in-1, combining both Cheerleader and Blowhard styles into one.

The Prepubescent – can be spotted due to lack of punctuation/grammar, and/or excessive use of ! and/or ? Other common words used include ‘ur’ and ‘kewl’. Run-ons are a dead give-away. Actual pre-pubescence is optional. Commonly found congregated at celebrity/fashion blogs.

Mr. Two Cents – every comment refers to the addition of his ‘two cents’. Often times uses the phrase “… to add my own .02 cents” not realizing that he actually said $0.0002.

Intelligent – A dying breed, the Intelligent commentator is though provoking and gracious. I would cite myself as an example, but that should be obvious :)

These are not single entities – they often mix and match. A Cheerleader mixed with a Blowhard is a common occurence. More rare (but far more interesting) is the combination of a Cheerleader, a Blowhard, and a Troll. In such a situation, the person not only loves the blogger and cheers the blogger on, but also tries to prove his own merit by trying to point out the teeniest mistakes the blogger made. The solution: ban the nutcase.

Any I miss?

7 Responses to Forget birdwatching – welcome to commentwatching

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Kevin L.

March 6th, 2007 at 4:02 pm

Hey Ahmed,
Good post… just one more note. No one cares about the merchants, it’s a consumer-driven local internet space. MerchantCircle is the only company making sure businesses have a voice. So far to date, 92,000 businesses have decided they want to take control of their online presence. You should check us out at MerchantCircle.com!
Make sure you check out my videos on the Learn More page while you’re there. It took some time to get my hair just right……
Thanks,
NB

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Bleached Anus

March 7th, 2007 at 12:27 am

Amhed, did i say “Great post”, to add my 2 cents, you forgot:

The egotist, the exaggerated sense of the importance of your self-analysis and the associated desire to tell everyone.

I read this and all I can see it that you are the jealous prepubescent (notice the correct spelling?) troll with something against Kevin L ( the 90,000 guy ). Is it his good looks or his uncanny ability to score the hot chicks that has you so riled up?

Nice work Kevin.

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Ahmed

March 7th, 2007 at 12:43 am

Oh snap, my first troll.

I feel special (or you could actually read my post about MC and why I have a problem).

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Chris Garrett

March 9th, 2007 at 7:50 am

Another one for you “Is this thing on???” – they post over and over not realising comments are moderated and so don’t show up right away :)

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Ahmed

March 9th, 2007 at 11:22 am

Ah yes, a classic indeed :)

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March 10th, 2007 at 2:09 pm

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PriogueAgog

October 23rd, 2008 at 8:49 am

There was this guy see.
He wasn’t very bright and he reached his adult life without ever having learned “the facts”.
Somehow, it gets to be his wedding day.
While he is walking down the isle, his father tugs his sleeve and says,

“Son, when you get to the hotel room…Call me”

Hours later he gets to the hotel room with his beautiful blushing bride and he calls his father,

“Dad, we are the hotel, what do I do?”

“O.K. Son, listen up, take off your clothes and get in the bed, then she should take off her clothes and get in the bed, if not help her. Then either way, ah, call me”

A few moments later…

“Dad we took off our clothes and we are in the bed, what do I do?”

O.K. Son, listen up. Move real close to her and she should move real close to you, and then… Ah, call me.”

A few moments later…

“DAD! WE TOOK OFF OUR CLOTHES, GOT IN THE BED AND MOVED REAL CLOSE, WHAT DO I DO???”

“O.K. Son, Listen up, this is the most important part. Stick the long part of your body into the place where she goes to the bathroom.”

A few moments later…

“Dad, I’ve got my foot in the toilet, what do I do?”

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